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  • Lindsey Van Wagner

I'm still here

I know it has been a while, so I just want to go through the motions of posting something. As we all do, I experience ebbs and flows in life and sometimes I just need to hibernate and retreat. . . For a while my writing was making me feel overexposed and vulnerable, even if it was just a post about nutrition or healthy snacks. Posting on Facebook and Instagram was making me feel the same way and something felt unnatural about it, which is why I disconnected my accounts.


I may have said this somewhere before, but one author who I greatly admire says to make sure you're sharing from your scars, not your open wounds. So maybe some of those scars are still forming.


I have felt so floaty and shapeless lately, my visions and intentions seem nebulous. Some days I feel inert, like I am sitting and waiting for a lightning bolt to strike me and tell me what I am to do with my life. It is kind of like my current strategy for dating, sitting in my tower like Rapunzel and waiting for prince charming to find me there. I’ll let you know how this method works out .. my hair is getting pretty long.


This feeling of not knowing makes me anxious, and my mind is jumpy. My interests fall in so many different areas that I don’t know what to do - I don't know what is the RIGHT thing - so then I feel paralyzed.


One month I’m selling my homemade lip balm and the next month I’m taking a Flash Fiction course to enhance my writing. Recently I’ve thought it might be fun to be a singer/songwriter? Or maybe one day I’ll want to go to med school. Who knows!!! Certainly not me.


It seems like the hardest thing in the world is to identify what you want to do and then just go for it. It sounds so simple, but it's not. So if you are doing that, KUDOS to you. KUDOS.


I keep banging my head against the proverbial wall, trying to get answers. What is my PURPOSE? Show me and I’ll do it. I’ll do anything to not feel this way.


It is so uncomfortable to feel this aimless and flighty.


“… for nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose – a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye.” – Mary Shelley, Frankenstein


So once again, we go back to that thing called trust, and that other thing called faith. And we accept that right now we are exactly where we need to be. Right now this is our purpose.


How can you live your purpose today? Without making it some overzealous extreme manifesto like “I was born to feed the children of Zimbabwe.”


For example, maybe today my purpose is to show up on my yoga mat as an eager student with a beginner’s mind, to give my dog all my love, to make my friends laugh, to bring the paper in for my dad, or to check out for a few hours and binge-watch Breaking Bad. . .

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